On an Electrician’s truck: ‘Let us remove your shorts.’
On a Scientist’s door: ‘Gone Fission’
On a Taxidermist’s window: ‘We really know our stuff.’
Outside a Hotel: ‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’
At an Auto Body Shop: ‘May we have the next dents?’
At a Music Store: ‘Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.’
On a Music Teacher’s door: ‘Out Chopin.’
On the door of a Music Library: ‘Bach in a min-u-et.’
In a Podiatrist’s window: ‘Time wounds all heels.’
On a Butcher’s window: ‘Let me meat your needs.’
On another Butcher’s window: ‘Pleased to meat you.’
At a Used Car Lot: ‘Second Hand cars in first crash condition.’
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: ‘Best place in town to take a leak.’
In a Beauty Shop: ‘Dye now!’
On the door of a Computer Store: ‘Out for a quick byte.’
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: ‘Drop your pants here.’
At a farmer’s field: ‘The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.’

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LOUTS AND VANDALS WE JUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

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