A great bookmark to read when your bored.

1. War Plan Red
2. Wow! Signal
3. Tube Bar Prank Calls
4. Kola Superdeep Borehole
5. Year Without a Summer
6. Veerappan
7. U.S. Color-Coded War Plans
8. Special Atomic Demolition Munition
9. Zone of Alienation
10. Outlawries Bill
11. Fabergé egg
12. Joseph Jagger
13. Traumatic Insemination
14. James Joseph Dresnok
15. Ivy League Nude Posture Photos
16. Jim Corbett (Hunter)
17. Humanzee
18. ETAOIN SHRDLU
19. Anthropodermic bibliopegy
20. “Resolute” desk
21. Cryptomnesia
22. Harrowing of Hell
23. Paternoster
24. Narco submarine
25. Impostor

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I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts–I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy–come to kill us all–
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man–come to kill us all–
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot–no greater bliss–well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad–she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence–why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more–I call
Them a vocation.

My owners’ mood is
Romantic–I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

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* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

* Go to the bakery! Hell, they’ll even decorate it for you!

* If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

* If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

* Celery? Never heard of it!

* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t.

* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

* Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

* Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

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Here’s a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong…

1. I am unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered gluttonous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some giant lizard person.

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1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ”

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

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10) “You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.”

9) “Indentation?! – I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!”

“What is this talk of ‘release?’ Klingons do not make software ‘releases.’ Our software ‘escapes,’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.”

7) “Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ – they have ‘arguments’ — and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.”

6) “Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.”

5) “I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.”

4) “A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!”

3) “By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!”

2) “You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!”

And, the No. 1 thing most likely to be heard if Klingons were programmers:

1) “Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!”

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Trunk Monkey #2 – Throwing Eggs

Trunk Monkey #3 – Want a Donut?

Trunk Monkey #4 – Thrown off a Bridge

Trunk Monkey #5 – Pediatric Edition

Trunk Monkey #6 – Chaperone

Trunk Monkey #7 – First Aid

Trunk Monkey #8 – Alien Abduction

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